Not Afraid

I'm not. I don't want to be, not anymore. There's nothing that corrodes worse than fear.

I checked into a hotel earlier tonight. it's not as though I think it's safe, but I've run out of money and I'm meeting up with someone soon. Maybe I'll have more to say about that later, maybe I wont. It depends on how I feel when I get to it. haha, you guys don't get much about what's going on with me, I'm sorry about that. I try to make a difference but what can I do with only words? I don't know, nothing ever seems to come from what I post on this blog anymore, so...

well, maybe I'm less afraid of Slenderman and more afraid of fading out. Turning into a ghost. It wouldn't be the first time that that's happened to me. When I checked in to the hotel, this old man in the lobby came up to me to tried to make conversation. He was really white haired and whitered, but sweet.

"Ya look like you've had it rough, son." He said.

"Yeah." Was just about all I could respond. "I guess I do."

"Let me tell you, I know what that's like. I fought in the Vietnam War...that shit changes a person. You," And he pointed really intense like at me. "You look like you've seen a war. Like that's changed you. My advice, get yourself some help, and then go do something about it. Go, help other people, do something worth your time, 'cause you got plenty to do with what ya got."

And just, all I could think to respond was, "Yeah." That was it. Nothing but a one word answer that I wasn't okay with and couldn't build a conversation with. His words just really stung. and he left shortly after that so I didn't get to tell him all the things I want to do. I don't even know all the things I want to do. That's what bugs me. I guess I'm just sick of being stuck with shitty circumstances: shady financial organizations experimenting on me, people I care about disappearing right before my eyes(or me, disappearing right in front of them)

and on top of all that there's some fucking Eldritch Abomination that shows up in my hotel room and looks terrifying and it wont go away and it has tentacles for miles but there aren't miles for them to exist within so the world has to stretch and bend and break and

you get the point. I'm going crazy and fading away at the same time, and I'm not okay with that. I need to do something about that. But I don't know what.

Yet.

"It's better to burn out, than to fade away."

Peace out,
Shaun

So someone cut me a check!!

Hallelujah

trying to get myself into the right mind-set for posting has been hard.

You know everywhere I look when I read the blogs I see death and despair and the same old rise and fall, and its genuinely exhausting enough that I've considered giving up on it all, moving to some secluded place somewhere and carving out a life without all of...this. but then I guess I couldn't do that with Slenderman watching me all the time. Why bother? We all think we're doing good, we make some gains, and then what?

we fall.

But I think it was the song that this post shares a title with that said
"Love is not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

so I guess that's why we keep fighting, and that's why I'm making this post. I'm still fighting, guys, I promise. I don't intend this post to be a bitch fest though. You guys need an update on what's going on with me, I figure, or at least I figure those of you still watching want one anyway. Fuck it. I don't care. I'm just talking to a computer screen anyway.

After I left Lis and Tia last month I sort of...wandered. I dunno that I ever felt liek settling down, so when I needed sleep I passed out in gutters or in subway stations(hey gargoyle, I'm almost as far down as you are now!) Didn't see much of Slenderman around, funny enough, and all that time I don't think I did much roof top living. I just didnt have the will to go that high, and bring myself that close to the bleak, grey sun.

Eventually i think I realized that I was only hurting myself by moping. I forgot to eat a lot. I didn't do much but walk, and although that apparently put a good fuckin distance between me and SLendershit, it did nothing but fill me up with the rage and pain and demons eating me alive from the inside. Not to mention the damage it did to my grizzled beard and fucked up joints. I look pretty bad right now.

But you know, that couldn't last, I'm just not that type of person. I am not a ghost. I stopped being a pussy and now I'm back, and I hope you'll all have me even though I've done and said some terrible things. I still have one of the blackest souls that I'm aware of, but at least I have my life, and I'm never giving that up. I'm never giving you guys up, either, not while He's out there torturing all of us. I need to get back into the game and maybe help find a way to combat all this shit. Like in the old days.

And with that said, I've been sitting here at a McDonalds for the past forty five minutes thinking about all the shit I've seen on the blog and you know what? I'm tired of seeing people like me get shit on by the other side. What, we're terrible horrible monsters because we've defended ourselves from you? "Oh boo hoo, the nasty awful stinky evil Runner killed a proxy without even asking her for her name!" You know what?

Fuck you.

We didn't choosethis anymore than you did, and we sure as hell didnt ask for your stuck up, self-righteous opinions on everyt fucking thing. we're in this together and we need to start acting like it. You don't get to take the moral high ground just because you're doing what you have to do, just like we're doing what we have to do. We've all done awful things. All of us. no one is free from this guilt, this sin. And if you think you have any right to judge someone then think again. Because I learned the hard way that doing that can only get people hurt, killed, and broken. So don't you fucking tell me I'm an asshole when I throw a punch because a punch has been thrown. No. That shit does not fly, from this point forward, that shit is done with and if I hear it I promise you you will not like the consequences.

Time to go. Thats my little rant for the day. As usual, Shaun River, all hot air and no action. But at least i've got my head on straight for the time being, sort of. I'll be seeing all f oyou soon.

Peace out.

Holidays

blah blah blah Here we are again, right? Christmas and New Years and Thanksgiving have passed in a blink. Where the fuck does the time go? I find myself more and more slipping into this crevice of reality where nothing is real and everything around me seems distant or not quite right. I'm not me anymore, or at least not who i thought I was. My own sins have caught up with me I guess, reminded me I'm not half the man I thought i was.

that's a comforting thought, huh?

Sarcasm aside, what is comforting is that I'm not really on the road yet, but by the time I actually am I might not have a chance to post this for lack of internet access, so I'm going to put it here now. I'm still hanging out with Lis and Tia and I wont lie that even though its been hell, with everything thats gone down in the past week, but I've still been glad for the company and distractions for the holidays. Its nice.

Right. Righty right right.

I'd love to stay longer but there are some things irking me that I just can't help but think might feel better if I lfet. No offense to either Lis or Tia, I'm sorry for all the trouble you guys have been put through, I just...need to sort my head out, is all. I need to stop living in nightmares and wandering around ,feeling old pains from those who have gone. Speaking of those who have gone, I cannot imagine the pain most of us must feel for those who have been lost recently. We took a hell of a blow. There's no getting around that. We'll miss all those who are gone, but we must press on.

It's the only thing to do.

It's no fault of you or Tia's, Lis, so stop blaming yourself. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't swat me on the head anymore, please and thank you. Much as I love the attention, you know me, I'm not one for the kinky stuff.

Heh. I'm glad I can at least laugh nowadays. That's a start, anyway.

Peace out,
Shaun

P.S.- those vids from my time in Chicago should be up in a week or so.

EDIT: Also, I'm told theres some sort of post up here on the blog about Scott, but...I can't see it. I've had the thing read aloud to me and I don't have any idea what the fuck its about. I remember Scott opening a journal, but I don't have it with me or anything so I couldn't have posted the thing...

~Scott's Memoirs: December 1st, 2010~

This is foR postErity's sakE

-1-

Fuck this blogging thing. I dunno what the use of it is. am I probing my own mind for other people, or are people probing my own mind for me? either way the concept is fucked and I dont need it right now. Things have been quiet even with Shaun around, though there is lots to talk about. he really likes to talk and make himself known and I'm okay with that of course. Its nice to have someone to discuss things with instead of being on my own. The peaceful quiet that has come over my whole apartment building has been eerie and maddening lately. Instead of just peace ful. The fuck ever. I opened this journal in hopes of having some record of what i and Shaun are up to. this Slenderman bullshit has got to stop, fuck that guy. I dont succumb so easy to things like this and I wont run away. All the same, it helps to have an expert around.

I guess thats it for this one.
-Scott

Moving On

So I'm working on getting videos of my time with M up onto the internet. He'll be pissed at me, but I think it's important to get these videos out there, as they're going to be my last. Yeah. My good camera broke and the other one is being a piece of shit, and besides. M brought up a couple good points. We were sitting around talking on the roof, it was a pretty rainy-ass day, but I was sitting with him because he doesn't like going inside. The kid just will not go inside for anything besides occasionally to go to the bathroom. So we were talking about my filming stuff and he goes

"I don't see why you trust the camera to catch the assholes who are after you. If you can't trust electronics don't you think they could fucking mess with your videos before they go up?"

and he's right. i cant risk that they're tampering with shit without my knowing because i would never know if they messed with my cameras or changed thevideos i just dont want to think about that.

So I moved on after a while. M and I had a good time, even if he lectured me the whole time about The Rules. As if the Rules still apply anymore. For fuck's sake, he's been at Bondie's for how many months now and he's still not dead. So what the fuck ever. We spent a lot of time chatting and yelling at each other on the roof, through rain and snow and wind and shit, and I saw some really amazing things that gave me a lot of hope for the future. It was nice to talk with a friend. Not only that, but Bondie makes some good goddamn cookies.

But we eventually had to say our goodbyes. I don't exactly feel...comfortable...staying in one place for very long. M may be complacent, but I'm not. He hasn't been posting because he's gotten way too comfortable and doesn't think it's safe to post. I don't fucking know, the guy is a weirdo.

M did tell me some cool shit before I left though. But I'll never tell.

Right now I'm spending time with Lis and Tia, who spent time hanging out with me in the safehouse while we were all there, before it fell. It's a fun time and it's better than spending Christmas on the streets. Here's hoping all goes well, and, merry Christmas to all of you. Whatever the fuck happens, don't get lonely. You've got friends in most places.

Peace out,
Shaun

Chicago

In Chicago now. staying at Bondie's house. I'll have some more stuff up, and maybe a video or two, in the next few weeks.