Holidays

blah blah blah Here we are again, right? Christmas and New Years and Thanksgiving have passed in a blink. Where the fuck does the time go? I find myself more and more slipping into this crevice of reality where nothing is real and everything around me seems distant or not quite right. I'm not me anymore, or at least not who i thought I was. My own sins have caught up with me I guess, reminded me I'm not half the man I thought i was.

that's a comforting thought, huh?

Sarcasm aside, what is comforting is that I'm not really on the road yet, but by the time I actually am I might not have a chance to post this for lack of internet access, so I'm going to put it here now. I'm still hanging out with Lis and Tia and I wont lie that even though its been hell, with everything thats gone down in the past week, but I've still been glad for the company and distractions for the holidays. Its nice.

Right. Righty right right.

I'd love to stay longer but there are some things irking me that I just can't help but think might feel better if I lfet. No offense to either Lis or Tia, I'm sorry for all the trouble you guys have been put through, I just...need to sort my head out, is all. I need to stop living in nightmares and wandering around ,feeling old pains from those who have gone. Speaking of those who have gone, I cannot imagine the pain most of us must feel for those who have been lost recently. We took a hell of a blow. There's no getting around that. We'll miss all those who are gone, but we must press on.

It's the only thing to do.

It's no fault of you or Tia's, Lis, so stop blaming yourself. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't swat me on the head anymore, please and thank you. Much as I love the attention, you know me, I'm not one for the kinky stuff.

Heh. I'm glad I can at least laugh nowadays. That's a start, anyway.

Peace out,
Shaun

P.S.- those vids from my time in Chicago should be up in a week or so.

EDIT: Also, I'm told theres some sort of post up here on the blog about Scott, but...I can't see it. I've had the thing read aloud to me and I don't have any idea what the fuck its about. I remember Scott opening a journal, but I don't have it with me or anything so I couldn't have posted the thing...

Hazy phone calls

So I'm back on the road again.

It's been a rough couple of days. I don't know. I'm all fucked up in the head again and I don't know how long I can keep it together. I'm coming apart at the seams after what happened with.....yeah. I don't want to type it out, you all know what happened. With Elaine. With....

Fuck it.

I traveled with Richard for a few days, but he's gone now. I don't really remember much of it, it's sort of hazy, but we talked about a lot of things. About what happened there, about his time in that strange forest, about David. He told me I needed to get my shit together, I think. Like I was a lot worse than I am now, shaking and puking and...just. Let's not talk about it.

I feel watched again. But I haven't seen Him since I left. I dunno what the fuck it is, I just can't get over this dread and despair and I...I'm so fucking sick of this shit.

So I'm going to go see M in Chicago. Finally. We worked most of the details out over the phone and he's going to give me directions when I get there to where Bondie lives. YES he's alive folks so quit your bitching he'll post when he wants to. I remember that conversation, I was more sane then. Or at least as sane as I'll ever be anymore. He told me

"You should have known this shit was going to happen. It doesn't matter if you're 'safe' from Him or not, awful fucking things always happen when you get in large groups."

I guess he's been waiting for me to come to Chicago this whole fucking time. He didn't want to leave Bondie's house until he and i had seen each other cause he was afraid I might end up like Beth. Which is understandable, I mean, Id be worried to after what happened last time with her she ended up getting fucked up by Him or disappearing or the safehouse she builts fell or something i dont quite remember anymore its all kind of hazy

Fuck it.

I'll post again when I'm in Chicago.

Peace out,
Shaun