Sunday, April 15, 2012

Best Laid Plans

I'm still here. Still alive.

I don't have time to answer where I've been or what I've been doing right now, except for what the last day and a half for me was like. Yesterday...I woke up screaming. And I mean, really, really fucking screaming, bloody murder for at least the next...three hours?
fuck I'm not even sure how fucking long it was it was just awful and

I remember feeling like I was on fire. I didn't see him anywhere, I couldn't have through all the smoke and flames. But then...have you ever pulled a muscle? Imagine that, but one thousand times worse, like every single muscle in your body is being tugged so hard it's going to snap loose from underneath your skin. That's the feeling I woke up to yesterday morning, early in the morning...

and then I saw her eyes.

I don't know exactly whether or not I was awake or asleep. Writhing around in pain on top of a roof top only lasted so long, and then I don't remember anything but her eyes. when I finally came out of it, I knew I had to finally bite the bullet and check her blog, read it for the first time in months. And she's gone. She's dead. I'm never going to see her again, none of us are. What am I really supposed to say? 'Sorry I betrayed and hurt you, Elaine, I hope you have a nice afterlife'? God, it makes me sick just joking about it. I can't. I can't bring myself to feel...anything positive.

It must have been obvious to everyone by now that Elaine and I carried on a relationship during our times together at Hope. I practically helped co-run the thing. And then, when I was done, I ran it into the ground. I'm such a nice guy, aren't I?

I never meant to hurt her. I loved her. I still love her. God, I love her so much and I'm never going to get a chance to sleep in late and hold her in my arms and brush hair out of her eyes and tell her everything is going to be alright ever again because it's not going to be alright, never again. I want all those things, but "you can't, always get, what you want" am I right? So I'll just say what needs to be said and hope that maybe...maybe...probably not likely...I can heal.

So most of you know the things Elaine did before, and what she has done in recent months. But you don't know her in private like I do. Not many of you, anyway. You don't know the woman who shook with nerves almost constantly, who was always peering over her shoulder for the next danger to face. Not because she was worried that she would get hurt, no, but because she was worried that someone she cared about might get hurt by whatever was looming just around the corner. And whenever anyone did get hurt, she cried and blamed herself for it all. It was irrational but it was Elaine. She was crazy but she cared so damn much about all of us.

About me. And I blew it, didn't I?

A few words will suffice to tell what little remains of this story...I was and still am in love with Elaine Logan, a now-dead woman. She was insane until the very end, with more problems than you could count with four arms, and that was just the way we all knew and loved her(most of us anyway.) She was a friend so incredibly loyal that it might make the most steadfast knight embarrassed with his own disloyalty. She was a fighter who never gave up on the people she loved even when it got to the point that she was hurting herself terribly. I know that people get tired of the cliche about 'not speaking ill of the dead' but I feel like Elaine deserves I hope that we can all give her some peace, finally.

That's all I have for now. I'm too tired and to hurt to post about what I've been doing, but there's a reason I've been out of commission for a while...and that reason is that I haven't. You'll see.

Goodbye, Elaine. I love you.

Peace and love.