Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Not Afraid

I'm not. I don't want to be, not anymore. There's nothing that corrodes worse than fear.

I checked into a hotel earlier tonight. it's not as though I think it's safe, but I've run out of money and I'm meeting up with someone soon. Maybe I'll have more to say about that later, maybe I wont. It depends on how I feel when I get to it. haha, you guys don't get much about what's going on with me, I'm sorry about that. I try to make a difference but what can I do with only words? I don't know, nothing ever seems to come from what I post on this blog anymore, so...

well, maybe I'm less afraid of Slenderman and more afraid of fading out. Turning into a ghost. It wouldn't be the first time that that's happened to me. When I checked in to the hotel, this old man in the lobby came up to me to tried to make conversation. He was really white haired and whitered, but sweet.

"Ya look like you've had it rough, son." He said.

"Yeah." Was just about all I could respond. "I guess I do."

"Let me tell you, I know what that's like. I fought in the Vietnam War...that shit changes a person. You," And he pointed really intense like at me. "You look like you've seen a war. Like that's changed you. My advice, get yourself some help, and then go do something about it. Go, help other people, do something worth your time, 'cause you got plenty to do with what ya got."

And just, all I could think to respond was, "Yeah." That was it. Nothing but a one word answer that I wasn't okay with and couldn't build a conversation with. His words just really stung. and he left shortly after that so I didn't get to tell him all the things I want to do. I don't even know all the things I want to do. That's what bugs me. I guess I'm just sick of being stuck with shitty circumstances: shady financial organizations experimenting on me, people I care about disappearing right before my eyes(or me, disappearing right in front of them)

and on top of all that there's some fucking Eldritch Abomination that shows up in my hotel room and looks terrifying and it wont go away and it has tentacles for miles but there aren't miles for them to exist within so the world has to stretch and bend and break and

you get the point. I'm going crazy and fading away at the same time, and I'm not okay with that. I need to do something about that. But I don't know what.


"It's better to burn out, than to fade away."

Peace out,

Thursday, February 2, 2012


trying to get myself into the right mind-set for posting has been hard.

You know everywhere I look when I read the blogs I see death and despair and the same old rise and fall, and its genuinely exhausting enough that I've considered giving up on it all, moving to some secluded place somewhere and carving out a life without all of...this. but then I guess I couldn't do that with Slenderman watching me all the time. Why bother? We all think we're doing good, we make some gains, and then what?

we fall.

But I think it was the song that this post shares a title with that said
"Love is not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

so I guess that's why we keep fighting, and that's why I'm making this post. I'm still fighting, guys, I promise. I don't intend this post to be a bitch fest though. You guys need an update on what's going on with me, I figure, or at least I figure those of you still watching want one anyway. Fuck it. I don't care. I'm just talking to a computer screen anyway.

After I left Lis and Tia last month I sort of...wandered. I dunno that I ever felt liek settling down, so when I needed sleep I passed out in gutters or in subway stations(hey gargoyle, I'm almost as far down as you are now!) Didn't see much of Slenderman around, funny enough, and all that time I don't think I did much roof top living. I just didnt have the will to go that high, and bring myself that close to the bleak, grey sun.

Eventually i think I realized that I was only hurting myself by moping. I forgot to eat a lot. I didn't do much but walk, and although that apparently put a good fuckin distance between me and SLendershit, it did nothing but fill me up with the rage and pain and demons eating me alive from the inside. Not to mention the damage it did to my grizzled beard and fucked up joints. I look pretty bad right now.

But you know, that couldn't last, I'm just not that type of person. I am not a ghost. I stopped being a pussy and now I'm back, and I hope you'll all have me even though I've done and said some terrible things. I still have one of the blackest souls that I'm aware of, but at least I have my life, and I'm never giving that up. I'm never giving you guys up, either, not while He's out there torturing all of us. I need to get back into the game and maybe help find a way to combat all this shit. Like in the old days.

And with that said, I've been sitting here at a McDonalds for the past forty five minutes thinking about all the shit I've seen on the blog and you know what? I'm tired of seeing people like me get shit on by the other side. What, we're terrible horrible monsters because we've defended ourselves from you? "Oh boo hoo, the nasty awful stinky evil Runner killed a proxy without even asking her for her name!" You know what?

Fuck you.

We didn't choosethis anymore than you did, and we sure as hell didnt ask for your stuck up, self-righteous opinions on everyt fucking thing. we're in this together and we need to start acting like it. You don't get to take the moral high ground just because you're doing what you have to do, just like we're doing what we have to do. We've all done awful things. All of us. no one is free from this guilt, this sin. And if you think you have any right to judge someone then think again. Because I learned the hard way that doing that can only get people hurt, killed, and broken. So don't you fucking tell me I'm an asshole when I throw a punch because a punch has been thrown. No. That shit does not fly, from this point forward, that shit is done with and if I hear it I promise you you will not like the consequences.

Time to go. Thats my little rant for the day. As usual, Shaun River, all hot air and no action. But at least i've got my head on straight for the time being, sort of. I'll be seeing all f oyou soon.

Peace out.