Best Laid Plans

I'm still here. Still alive.

I don't have time to answer where I've been or what I've been doing right now, except for what the last day and a half for me was like. Yesterday...I woke up screaming. And I mean, really, really fucking screaming, bloody murder for at least the next...three hours?
fuck I'm not even sure how fucking long it was it was just awful and

I remember feeling like I was on fire. I didn't see him anywhere, I couldn't have through all the smoke and flames. But then...have you ever pulled a muscle? Imagine that, but one thousand times worse, like every single muscle in your body is being tugged so hard it's going to snap loose from underneath your skin. That's the feeling I woke up to yesterday morning, early in the morning...

and then I saw her eyes.

I don't know exactly whether or not I was awake or asleep. Writhing around in pain on top of a roof top only lasted so long, and then I don't remember anything but her eyes.

...so when I finally came out of it, I knew I had to finally bite the bullet and check her blog, read it for the first time in months. And she's gone. She's dead. I'm never going to see her again, none of us are. What am I really supposed to say? 'Sorry I betrayed and hurt you, Elaine, I hope you have a nice afterlife'? God, it makes me sick just joking about it. I can't. I can't bring myself to feel...anything positive.

It must have been obvious to everyone by now that Elaine and I carried on a relationship during our times together at Hope. I practically helped co-run the thing. And then, when I was done, I ran it into the ground. I'm such a nice guy, aren't I?

I never meant to hurt her. I loved her. I still love her. God, I love her so much and I'm never going to get a chance to sleep in late and hold her in my arms and brush hair out of her eyes and tell her everything is going to be alright ever again because it's not going to be alright, never again. I want all those things, but "you can't, always get, what you want" am I right? So I'll just say what needs to be said and hope that maybe...maybe...probably not likely...I can heal.

So most of you know the things Elaine did before, and what she has done in recent months. But you don't know her in private like I do. Not many of you, anyway. You don't know the woman who shook with nerves almost constantly, who was always peering over her shoulder for the next danger to face. Not because she was worried that she would get hurt, no, but because she was worried that someone she cared about might get hurt by whatever was looming just around the corner. And whenever anyone did get hurt, she cried and blamed herself for it all. It was irrational but it was Elaine. She was crazy but she cared so damn much about all of us.

About me. And I blew it, didn't I?

A few words will suffice to tell what little remains of this story...I was and still am in love with Elaine Logan, a now-dead woman. She was insane until the very end, with more problems than you could count with four arms, and that was just the way we all knew and loved her(most of us anyway.) She was a friend so incredibly loyal that it might make the most steadfast knight embarrassed with his own disloyalty. She was a fighter who never gave up on the people she loved even when it got to the point that she was hurting herself terribly. I know that people get tired of the cliche about 'not speaking ill of the dead' but I feel like Elaine deserves this...so I hope that we can all give her some peace, finally.

That's all I have for now. I'm too tired and to hurt to post about what I've been doing, but there's a reason I've been out of commission for a while...and that reason is that I haven't. You'll see.

Goodbye, Elaine. I love you.

Peace and love.

No Lodging for the Mad

So after my big, epic announcement, you'd figure I'd have some shit done, right?

Wrong.

But I have been running around formulating a plan based on this new decision of mine. Rest assured, I'm not a complete fucking bum.

See the plan is coming together. I haven't got all the equipment I need yet but I will, and soon. I'm going to go make some connections. I know who to talk to, I've talked to plenty of people during my time on the run, and when you need to get shit done without tipping anyone(hint: whoever the fuck is still following me) there are a specific set of people you can go to for that sort of thing. I'm a pretty resourceful man, believe it or not, guys. My money doesn't come from nowhere. Shit, my ideas don't even come from nowhere.

But right now, what I really need, is a warehouse.

Peace out,
Shaun

Risking what now?

What the fuck have I been doing with myself lately?

Well, as plenty of you probably saw, beating up on people who really don't deserve beating on. I met with Gargoyle so I could pick a fight(don't let him fool ya, it was my fuckign idea) and have a chat with someone who didn't know me and it turned out pretty fucking interesting.

See, he said a lot of things to me that got me thinking. Some of them he left out of that post of his, but he did a mostly good fucking job of recording our interactions so I wont bore you by repeating what you already know. I'll just go over my end of the event.

We met up on a really sunny day. I mean really, really fucking sunny. It was so bright the pavement hurt my eyes, and I could barely tell it was him when he started walking up. I was actually prepared for a fight: bastard dresses up crazier than I do, and I'm covered in operator tats from like fucking head to toe. He had on a torn up red hoodie and camo pants for some fucking reason. The guy's kind of a wirey mess, with his face all bandaged up and his hair all scraggly and cut wrong. He kind of vibrated, he was real fucking skinny and bent out of shape looking.

So we got to talking, and before you know it its an all out brawl and let me tell you, that wirey little fuck can throw one hell of a mean punch when he wants to. Or when he's blacked out, whichever. haha All I know is I'm surprised we didn't get fucking stopped by the cops on that dinky little roof of ours, cause it was a good fight. Shit got hard fast, so when he went down I figured I'd take him down to the alley and help him sit down. He mumbled a lot about that "Onewinged" guy he's always going on about on his blog and being able to get through some "code" of his...

And you know I just sat there looking at him. I started thinking again, like I used to in the old days. Instead of just feelin gcrazy, I actually wondered about shit. I thought real hard...something like

"What have I been doing lately? Is this what it comes down to? Settling scores byscraping up people I could be making friends with? Fuck if this is making a difference I don't want to do it anymore. I want to change. I have to do something, and fast, to find out what I could be fucking doing better. Like in the old Testing days."

Then Gargoyle and I had that discussion, and I reazlied...I dunno why the fuck I stopped Testing! I guess after I left Scott's place and those financial types kidnapped me, I got fucking lost in my own head. This shit changes a person you know? And it let it change me in a bad way.

After that I paid for Gargoyle's lunch and we split up. He said one more thing to me that wasn't meant to be inspirational, but it was. Something like "You know I spend all my time on rooftops but I look up to you and M anyway." I thought that was real fucking nice of him to say. So Gargoyle, if you read this, I am sorry for hitting you over the head like a gazillion and one fucking times.

So you know how I keep talking about not wanting to burn the fuck out? Well I ain't gonna. It's time to get my shit in gear again. it's time to risk death for real. it's time to start fucking testing again.

Peace out,
Shaun

Not Afraid

I'm not. I don't want to be, not anymore. There's nothing that corrodes worse than fear.

I checked into a hotel earlier tonight. it's not as though I think it's safe, but I've run out of money and I'm meeting up with someone soon. Maybe I'll have more to say about that later, maybe I wont. It depends on how I feel when I get to it. haha, you guys don't get much about what's going on with me, I'm sorry about that. I try to make a difference but what can I do with only words? I don't know, nothing ever seems to come from what I post on this blog anymore, so...

well, maybe I'm less afraid of Slenderman and more afraid of fading out. Turning into a ghost. It wouldn't be the first time that that's happened to me. When I checked in to the hotel, this old man in the lobby came up to me to tried to make conversation. He was really white haired and whitered, but sweet.

"Ya look like you've had it rough, son." He said.

"Yeah." Was just about all I could respond. "I guess I do."

"Let me tell you, I know what that's like. I fought in the Vietnam War...that shit changes a person. You," And he pointed really intense like at me. "You look like you've seen a war. Like that's changed you. My advice, get yourself some help, and then go do something about it. Go, help other people, do something worth your time, 'cause you got plenty to do with what ya got."

And just, all I could think to respond was, "Yeah." That was it. Nothing but a one word answer that I wasn't okay with and couldn't build a conversation with. His words just really stung. and he left shortly after that so I didn't get to tell him all the things I want to do. I don't even know all the things I want to do. That's what bugs me. I guess I'm just sick of being stuck with shitty circumstances: shady financial organizations experimenting on me, people I care about disappearing right before my eyes(or me, disappearing right in front of them)

and on top of all that there's some fucking Eldritch Abomination that shows up in my hotel room and looks terrifying and it wont go away and it has tentacles for miles but there aren't miles for them to exist within so the world has to stretch and bend and break and

you get the point. I'm going crazy and fading away at the same time, and I'm not okay with that. I need to do something about that. But I don't know what.

Yet.

"It's better to burn out, than to fade away."

Peace out,
Shaun

So someone cut me a check!!

Hallelujah

trying to get myself into the right mind-set for posting has been hard.

You know everywhere I look when I read the blogs I see death and despair and the same old rise and fall, and its genuinely exhausting enough that I've considered giving up on it all, moving to some secluded place somewhere and carving out a life without all of...this. but then I guess I couldn't do that with Slenderman watching me all the time. Why bother? We all think we're doing good, we make some gains, and then what?

we fall.

But I think it was the song that this post shares a title with that said
"Love is not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

so I guess that's why we keep fighting, and that's why I'm making this post. I'm still fighting, guys, I promise. I don't intend this post to be a bitch fest though. You guys need an update on what's going on with me, I figure, or at least I figure those of you still watching want one anyway. Fuck it. I don't care. I'm just talking to a computer screen anyway.

After I left Lis and Tia last month I sort of...wandered. I dunno that I ever felt liek settling down, so when I needed sleep I passed out in gutters or in subway stations(hey gargoyle, I'm almost as far down as you are now!) Didn't see much of Slenderman around, funny enough, and all that time I don't think I did much roof top living. I just didnt have the will to go that high, and bring myself that close to the bleak, grey sun.

Eventually i think I realized that I was only hurting myself by moping. I forgot to eat a lot. I didn't do much but walk, and although that apparently put a good fuckin distance between me and SLendershit, it did nothing but fill me up with the rage and pain and demons eating me alive from the inside. Not to mention the damage it did to my grizzled beard and fucked up joints. I look pretty bad right now.

But you know, that couldn't last, I'm just not that type of person. I am not a ghost. I stopped being a pussy and now I'm back, and I hope you'll all have me even though I've done and said some terrible things. I still have one of the blackest souls that I'm aware of, but at least I have my life, and I'm never giving that up. I'm never giving you guys up, either, not while He's out there torturing all of us. I need to get back into the game and maybe help find a way to combat all this shit. Like in the old days.

And with that said, I've been sitting here at a McDonalds for the past forty five minutes thinking about all the shit I've seen on the blog and you know what? I'm tired of seeing people like me get shit on by the other side. What, we're terrible horrible monsters because we've defended ourselves from you? "Oh boo hoo, the nasty awful stinky evil Runner killed a proxy without even asking her for her name!" You know what?

Fuck you.

We didn't choosethis anymore than you did, and we sure as hell didnt ask for your stuck up, self-righteous opinions on everyt fucking thing. we're in this together and we need to start acting like it. You don't get to take the moral high ground just because you're doing what you have to do, just like we're doing what we have to do. We've all done awful things. All of us. no one is free from this guilt, this sin. And if you think you have any right to judge someone then think again. Because I learned the hard way that doing that can only get people hurt, killed, and broken. So don't you fucking tell me I'm an asshole when I throw a punch because a punch has been thrown. No. That shit does not fly, from this point forward, that shit is done with and if I hear it I promise you you will not like the consequences.

Time to go. Thats my little rant for the day. As usual, Shaun River, all hot air and no action. But at least i've got my head on straight for the time being, sort of. I'll be seeing all f oyou soon.

Peace out.

Holidays

blah blah blah Here we are again, right? Christmas and New Years and Thanksgiving have passed in a blink. Where the fuck does the time go? I find myself more and more slipping into this crevice of reality where nothing is real and everything around me seems distant or not quite right. I'm not me anymore, or at least not who i thought I was. My own sins have caught up with me I guess, reminded me I'm not half the man I thought i was.

that's a comforting thought, huh?

Sarcasm aside, what is comforting is that I'm not really on the road yet, but by the time I actually am I might not have a chance to post this for lack of internet access, so I'm going to put it here now. I'm still hanging out with Lis and Tia and I wont lie that even though its been hell, with everything thats gone down in the past week, but I've still been glad for the company and distractions for the holidays. Its nice.

Right. Righty right right.

I'd love to stay longer but there are some things irking me that I just can't help but think might feel better if I lfet. No offense to either Lis or Tia, I'm sorry for all the trouble you guys have been put through, I just...need to sort my head out, is all. I need to stop living in nightmares and wandering around ,feeling old pains from those who have gone. Speaking of those who have gone, I cannot imagine the pain most of us must feel for those who have been lost recently. We took a hell of a blow. There's no getting around that. We'll miss all those who are gone, but we must press on.

It's the only thing to do.

It's no fault of you or Tia's, Lis, so stop blaming yourself. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't swat me on the head anymore, please and thank you. Much as I love the attention, you know me, I'm not one for the kinky stuff.

Heh. I'm glad I can at least laugh nowadays. That's a start, anyway.

Peace out,
Shaun

P.S.- those vids from my time in Chicago should be up in a week or so.

EDIT: Also, I'm told theres some sort of post up here on the blog about Scott, but...I can't see it. I've had the thing read aloud to me and I don't have any idea what the fuck its about. I remember Scott opening a journal, but I don't have it with me or anything so I couldn't have posted the thing...

~Scott's Memoirs: December 1st, 2010~

This is foR postErity's sakE

-1-

Fuck this blogging thing. I dunno what the use of it is. am I probing my own mind for other people, or are people probing my own mind for me? either way the concept is fucked and I dont need it right now. Things have been quiet even with Shaun around, though there is lots to talk about. he really likes to talk and make himself known and I'm okay with that of course. Its nice to have someone to discuss things with instead of being on my own. The peaceful quiet that has come over my whole apartment building has been eerie and maddening lately. Instead of just peace ful. The fuck ever. I opened this journal in hopes of having some record of what i and Shaun are up to. this Slenderman bullshit has got to stop, fuck that guy. I dont succumb so easy to things like this and I wont run away. All the same, it helps to have an expert around.

I guess thats it for this one.
-Scott

Moving On

So I'm working on getting videos of my time with M up onto the internet. He'll be pissed at me, but I think it's important to get these videos out there, as they're going to be my last. Yeah. My good camera broke and the other one is being a piece of shit, and besides. M brought up a couple good points. We were sitting around talking on the roof, it was a pretty rainy-ass day, but I was sitting with him because he doesn't like going inside. The kid just will not go inside for anything besides occasionally to go to the bathroom. So we were talking about my filming stuff and he goes

"I don't see why you trust the camera to catch the assholes who are after you. If you can't trust electronics don't you think they could fucking mess with your videos before they go up?"

and he's right. i cant risk that they're tampering with shit without my knowing because i would never know if they messed with my cameras or changed thevideos i just dont want to think about that.

So I moved on after a while. M and I had a good time, even if he lectured me the whole time about The Rules. As if the Rules still apply anymore. For fuck's sake, he's been at Bondie's for how many months now and he's still not dead. So what the fuck ever. We spent a lot of time chatting and yelling at each other on the roof, through rain and snow and wind and shit, and I saw some really amazing things that gave me a lot of hope for the future. It was nice to talk with a friend. Not only that, but Bondie makes some good goddamn cookies.

But we eventually had to say our goodbyes. I don't exactly feel...comfortable...staying in one place for very long. M may be complacent, but I'm not. He hasn't been posting because he's gotten way too comfortable and doesn't think it's safe to post. I don't fucking know, the guy is a weirdo.

M did tell me some cool shit before I left though. But I'll never tell.

Right now I'm spending time with Lis and Tia, who spent time hanging out with me in the safehouse while we were all there, before it fell. It's a fun time and it's better than spending Christmas on the streets. Here's hoping all goes well, and, merry Christmas to all of you. Whatever the fuck happens, don't get lonely. You've got friends in most places.

Peace out,
Shaun

Chicago

In Chicago now. staying at Bondie's house. I'll have some more stuff up, and maybe a video or two, in the next few weeks.

Hazy phone calls

So I'm back on the road again.

It's been a rough couple of days. I don't know. I'm all fucked up in the head again and I don't know how long I can keep it together. I'm coming apart at the seams after what happened with.....yeah. I don't want to type it out, you all know what happened. With Elaine. With....

Fuck it.

I traveled with Richard for a few days, but he's gone now. I don't really remember much of it, it's sort of hazy, but we talked about a lot of things. About what happened there, about his time in that strange forest, about David. He told me I needed to get my shit together, I think. Like I was a lot worse than I am now, shaking and puking and...just. Let's not talk about it.

I feel watched again. But I haven't seen Him since I left. I dunno what the fuck it is, I just can't get over this dread and despair and I...I'm so fucking sick of this shit.

So I'm going to go see M in Chicago. Finally. We worked most of the details out over the phone and he's going to give me directions when I get there to where Bondie lives. YES he's alive folks so quit your bitching he'll post when he wants to. I remember that conversation, I was more sane then. Or at least as sane as I'll ever be anymore. He told me

"You should have known this shit was going to happen. It doesn't matter if you're 'safe' from Him or not, awful fucking things always happen when you get in large groups."

I guess he's been waiting for me to come to Chicago this whole fucking time. He didn't want to leave Bondie's house until he and i had seen each other cause he was afraid I might end up like Beth. Which is understandable, I mean, Id be worried to after what happened last time with her she ended up getting fucked up by Him or disappearing or the safehouse she builts fell or something i dont quite remember anymore its all kind of hazy

Fuck it.

I'll post again when I'm in Chicago.

Peace out,
Shaun

fuck

i didnt know

it was

oh god

i had NO FUCKING IDEA

im so sorry

elaine

jennifer, levi, adam...emily. forgive me. fuck, please, just...



richard's making me get moving. travelling together.

ill post again, whenever.

godfuckingdammit

Everything is Awful

I knew it. I knew something was wrong. I've been filled with fucking DREAD these last few days. Now I know why.



I'm sitting here in an absolutely gorgeous hotel room,(translation: it smells like ass) wondering where it is my life went wrong and what any of us did to deserve all of this....

I left Hope.

'Why?' you ask. Let me tell you why.

Hope is a fraud. A clever fucking sham that's been deceiving you all since practically day one. I know this because I heard Elaine herself talking about it. She wasn't in our bed when I woke up this morning, so I went looking for her. Usually there are a few places she hangs out fairly often so that people can find her, but....today she wasn't in any of those places. I had to go find her on the roof, where she was apparently talking with David. I got there just in time to overhear a part of their conversation from my spot behind the door, and yes before you ask I was being a sneaky asshole and hiding for a bit. I don't trust David, and neither should any of you. After what he did to Jessie and what he's done here at Hope....yeah.

I managed to overhear this,

"Yeah, I'll hand him over by the end of the week. Fucker has it coming."

from Elaine to David.

I don't know who they were talking about. I don't know what the context was. But the sound of it is fairly awful, don't you think? It doesn't help that when I confronted the two of them, Elaine told me everything about the deal she has going with David to keep Hope 'safe'. Safe my fucking ass.

Elaine gives him information on you guys. All of you. Information about where you're headed, where you are currently, where you might be. It's not much but this is David we're talking about. If he wanted to get you he could and she's only making it easier. If he wanted to get you, it would be this easy.

And if He wanted to get you, it would be EVEN FUCKING EASIER!!


...

...So, that's why I left Hope. I'm sorry Elaine. I just can't let people walk into this blind, without knowing, and part of me hopes you can call the whole thing off and keep running Hope some other way. There must be another way of keeping the place safe that doesn't involve selling out and I'm sorry David used you to find new folks to prey on like that. It's not your fault. I don't blame you. I don't hate you for it. I just...I can't stay there, knowing what I know about what you're doing. And I can't keep quiet either because it's burning up inside my head and I have to tell you all to get out, every single one of you needs to get out right now before it gets any worse.

Hope is a lie. I should have known that from the very beginning. It always has been.

I'm getting back on the road again, after tonight. I've got all my supplies in a nice new duffle bag and I'm ready to go. This is my life. I've done this enough times to know how things work and what happens next. Time to go back on the run.



Goodbye Elaine.

Peace out, Hope.

-Shaun

Sunday Music

I sure am glad I don't have a fucken' landlord, heh

23 Seconds Kids

So these kids went into a forest.

And going into that forest turned out to be a bad idea. Why? 'Cause shit went down and apparently Slenderman and one of his more powerful cronies, Writer, ended up trapping them there to slowly torture and kill off one by one.

I know, such a pleasant story.

I'd like to say that their story had a happy ending but I dunno. We saved three out of about 48 kids who originally went into that forest, but you know what? I think that's fairly impressive, honestly. Three lives which otherwise would have faded away into nothingness in a forest full of death and despair. That's a goddamn miracle.

I should back up a moment.

After Konaa put up a post rally cry about saving these kids, Elaine asked me if I wanted to help them out. Of course I said yes, and we made the trip to Canada to meet up with Konaa and charge in their blind.

It was stupid and we could have, should have, died. Elaine...describes it better here but...well, it was an odd experience, entering what I've heard refered often to as a 'Loop.' Weird, disturbing shit, let me tell you that. It messed with my head a lot. i dont like anything that messes with my head. i need my head

but anyway. The whole place reeked of death and my brain was buzzing strangely the entire time. These things...they're beyond what we understand, let me leave it at that.

I remember picking up this set of dog tags,

"Zachariah Hanna Lewis"

and then fucking Richard came out of nowhere with a switchblade to my neck. I would have whooped his ass for it, but I understand. He's been through hell, and I'm so glad we could get he, Elliot, and Alex out. There was a whole lot of dying, and a whole lot of running, and some shit went down between Writer and another guy I'm unfamiliar with, and I ignored most of it because what mattered was getting these kids out and safe and alive.

I'll never forget any of the shit I saw there, let me tell you that much.

Christ. They're about the same age as me and I keep calling them kids. Whatever. I'm going to go lie down as soon as we're home because frankly, the things I've seen and experienced are starting to get to me. It takes being truly happy to be truly sad.

peace out,
Shaun

Hey, it's that time again!

Sunday!

Music time!

I'm totally in a good mood this morning, can ya tell?

Happy Halloween

I'm so used to spending my holidays alone on the streets.

But here in Hope I don't have to be alone and I don't have to be cold as fuck wondering if I should steal a little kid's bag of candy for my own sake to keep well fed. And for the record, I decided against it. It's just...being a Runner is some tough shit. I don't miss it, right now.

Spending time in Hope has taught me a lot, given me a lot. The other day I watched "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" with Lis because I haven't seen it in forever and we both used to watch it with our mom's. I dunno, we found a torrent, it was cool. Don't judge. My point is it's been so long since I've felt like I had a place to call home, and well...now I do.

I have hope. As cheese-y as it sounds, that's the one thing I've gained above all else here in Hope.

I might just stay a bit longer than originally intended.

Peace out,
Shaun

But...

I would rather talk about the good shit that happens around Hope than the bad shit. And last night was rather awesome. I went out and bought a guitar with some money Elaine lent me, because I figured that type of thing would be good for lightening the mood, after what happened with Mike a few days ago. I hadn't expected it to work as wonderfully as it did though, I guess. Because soon enough we were all singing along to The Beatles songs and eating a whole bunch of great food, and everyone seemed happy like some sort of merry band of travellers or something. It was really nice and I hope we have more nights like it here at Hope. It's good, for all of us I think, to feel like we have a home...

Peace out for now,
Shaun

so yeah. there was some shit that went down. its nothing serious and everyone is fine but my leg is sort of banged the fuck up. other people tell it better than me, i think.

Elaine

Michael

security

its really weird. i keep jumping at strange noises only to find out its another person about as scared of me as i am of them. i keep expecting to see an agent or some government official walking through a door at any moment. i know its ridiculous but im so goddamn paranoid.

but elaine ensures me this place is protected from that sort of thing. so i trust her.

its been an odd experience living in Hope but i hope you can tell that while im here i plan on at least keeping you guys updated a little more on my situation than i did before. i know random videos and short blog posts and song lyrics dont make for much of a story, but hey. this isnt a story, no matter what you may think otherwise. but i mean...ive been doing some poking around. looking into shit. trying to work this out on my own.

i guess it is a story, afterall. my story. and things are looking up. im here and i feel safe and even though im still paranoid its slowly wearing off. im still not used to all these people though. elaine tells me itll be alright but i just cant get a handle on talking and doing normal things again. i play video games the other night with the guys here. video games.

i mean for fucks sake man, what is that? i guess its fun, its life, and i can only hope it lasts a long while.

thats all ive got for now. im going to go see what elaine is up to now, probably missing me or whatever since ive been holed up in my room all morning.

peace out,
shaun